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In over 26 years on and off of some type of
therapy or 12 step group I never encountered or was prepared for what
happened. After 14 months of therapy my therapist told me she had fantasies about
us being together. We then discussed ethics. As if that made what
she said okay. The biggest focus was
10.08Sexual Intimacies With Former
(a) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies
with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or
termination of therapy.
(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies
with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in
the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such
activity after the two years following cessation or termination of
therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient
bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in
light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has
passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity
of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the
client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current
mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the
client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist
during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient.
(See also Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships.)
The magic number was 2 years and then except in the most
unusual circumstances. Well we were both lesbian in small city
which led to a smaller gay community, there was the "unusual
circumstances". The words this will NEVER happen were not
said. What was said is "2 years is a long time, who knows
what can happen". This goes way past wrong. My ability to
think clearly and rationally were gone because this "women" just
fulfilled my fantasy.
When I went home that night I came back to these very ethics and
searched to see if there was anything improper about being friends.
That led me to:
3.05 Multiple Relationships:
(a) A multiple relationship occurs when a psychologist is
in a professional role with a person and (1) at the same time is in
another role with the same person, (2) at the same time is in a
relationship with a person closely associated with or related to the
person with whom the psychologist has the professional relationship, or
(3) promises to enter into another relationship in the future with the
person or a person closely associated with or related to the person.
I rationalized them all away, (1) we would no longer be in a
professional relationship, (2) Didn't apply at all, (3) No one actually
made any "promises" technically. No one excluded any promises
So during my next appointment I brought up that being friends would
be okay. We even set a period of time to not see each other to
provide some distance between our old roles and new roles. I also
agreed to her request for us to meet somewhere neutral at first and we
would meet out of town. I was
seeing this as us handling this very thoughtfully and maturely. Again my judgment was clouded. The bottom line was it
didn't matter how I saw it, my therapist was the professional and
should have pointed out that there would still exist a "dual
relationship". It took 9 professionals and 8 months of therapy
after the fact to see how this would still be a "dual relationship".
My therapist knew intimate details about my life and I knew none of
theirs the relationship would have remained unbalanced.
What occurred over the last 2 appointments would be a true example of
"transference/counter transference". Within the transference dyad
both participants typically experience a variety of opposites.
That's the VERY short explanation there are countless articles on
this topic. What happened is I became therapist and my therapist
became the client. I had stated immediately our relationship could
never be professional in any manner. At this time I expressed that
we would end therapy 3 weeks earlier as I would only be going to see her
and not therapy and that that was very wrong. She still insisted
that I continue to work with her and she would keep our normally
scheduled time open. What should have
occurred is my therapist should have been explaining why no unprofessional
relationship would ever occur.
The overall bottom line my therapist should have never
expressed her thoughts about us and fantasies. She rationalized
this by saying there was this elephant in the room. A quick
explanation would be there is an unspoken tension in the room between
persons. I never felt this "elephant" and even stated so. To
further explain, there was no need to discuss this elephant because we
were no longer going to be working together, as she was leaving for
All of this occurred over 3 appointments and my head was spinning.
I didn't know if I was coming or going. I could almost describe it
as being in high school and finding out the person you like likes you
It is very common for clients and therapists to develop amorous
feelings towards one another. This relationship of trust and
intimacies grows. What IS acceptable is a client expressing
their feelings and or concerns over this. At which time the
therapist would reassure that this is common and natural and how it
would never be anything more than professional. Now for the
therapist he/she should seek counsel with their supervisor and/or their
own therapist. This will never have any place in a clients
Clues that may trigger concerns that your therapist may be crossing
This is when a therapist expresses personal
information about themselves to their client. More common in
working with clients with PTSD than let's say
depression. I would say acceptable
disclosures would be about pets or hobbies. This shows a
commonalty between client and therapist and can build trust.
Unacceptable would be the therapist discussing their own therapies.
The fine lines between professional appropriate
or inappropriate actions. There are MANY boundaries. It is
not common practice to "chase" after a client that walks out of therapy.
It is common for a therapist to return a phone message but if the client
can "bank" on the fact that their therapist will call back immediately
every time is not good. Calling clients at their homes after
normal business hours should be a no no. It is not ok for a
therapist to provide their personal home phone numbers. Another
warning could be your therapy consistently exceeds the customary 50
minutes or your therapist starts changing your therapies for the end of
the day and has you stay around when no one else is present. Not okay is
your therapist checking to see if their next client has cancelled so you
may continue on through that time period. No touching EVER.
As much as you may want to give or receive a hug this is not okay.
I have had a few occasions when a psychiatric nurse expressed that they
would like to give me a hug and that was comforting in its self.
Let me say again No touching. Therapists should be conscious of
their clients "personal" space. It is no okay for your therapists
to lean over you to get or do something. Not okay is your
therapist discussing their own sexual desires. Your therapist
should never have you keep secrets.
Bottom line if you don't feel right about something speak out about
it. First try to discuss it with your therapist if you still feel
uncomfortable tell their supervisor or advisory board.
In my personal experience I said I could never tell anyone what we
talked about. Barely audible my therapist said she hoped "someday
I may tell my new therapist". It all felt terribly wrong and I
told someone. The guilt that I have felt and still feel can be
unbearable. I did the right thing though. I am constantly
reassured I did a good thing. This therapist had been let go and
have started work with a new therapist. At no time did we ever
touch each other but I feel sexually abused. There are many more
details as to what happened but I'm not ready to expose them all.
My first intent to creating this web page was to
express my intense anger. There are very few web sites on this
topic and I decided instead to make this a resource for clients as well
as others in the psychiatric community. I'm also going to track my
progress on this topic quarterly and provide updates here.
*Quartelry just won't be
right so for awhile I'll do updates every week or two.
It's been 8 months since my experience occurred. 1 month after
this all occurred I took an intentional overdose. Personally I am
still a mess. I know without any doubt that what happened was
wrong on many levels. I have not been able to work on any other
"issues" except this topic. Nightmares have increased, sleep
decreased. My anger is at an all time high. I seclude myself
from everything as much as I can. I have a basic trust of my
treatment team, as for a deep trust I don't know if I will ever be
able to. My self harm has increased. I feel preyed upon.
I feel what little there was left of me has been destroyed. I will
never be the same. I dread the thought of ever having an intimate
relationship with anyone. I decided not to pursue any lawsuit
against this person. Its never been my style and no money will
ever fix or change this. I know she has suffered professionally.
Most days I still spend hours in bed crying. Guilty and dirty from
something I didn't do yet trying desperately to figure out what I
did wrong. I feel pathetic and have little self esteem because I
still want this person to like me. I'm being told that had I not
told, the outcome would have been far worse and this I am starting to
believe. I have been apologized to by everyone but there is only
1 apology I want. I doubt I will ever receive it. I
created this page on a Friday. When Saturday came I couldn't get
out of bed.
Well suprise suprise Ms. Therapist finally called
to apologize a week ago. She was very sincere in her apologize and
for acting very unprofessional. She had hoped I had been "heard"
by my mental health center. I said I was. Then she
very skillfully ended our conversation and hung up. I hung up and
I still don't know what I felt. Then it was all to familiar like 8
months ago was and I didn't get to say a fucking word. I burst
into to tears. Mind you now I do NOT like crying so telling you so
isn't easy. I was constantly being picked on for crying growing
up. I then called my new therapist and my new case manager.
Afterwards I spent the next 3 hours in bed sobbing. It's amazing
how many tears the human body can produce. A couple of days later
I called Ms. Therapist and asked for some phone time because I wanted
her to hear. It's been awhile so I decided to post this update and
I'm going to call her to this site and I will delete her number.
She had asked me some fucking personal and intimate questions. The
absolute worst question was: "What do you find attractive about me?"
That is one of those right or wrong questions. A question you ask
your boyfriend or girlfriend. NOT your FUCKING client! HELLO I've
been in some intensive psychotherapy so guess what my self esteem isn't
to fucking high. So what the FUCK makes you think I handled this
question well. A few months before our therapy ended we talked
about some things to look for in a new relationship. A job , a
401k, a house, and blah blah. I don't have ANY of those things.
This is a constant source of my own mental abuse. Just to clue the
world in I want NOTHING to do with an intimate relationship with anyone
ever. Ms. Therapist knew I wanted "A" friend someone to just spend
some time with and feel normal. I have so few friends now.
People don't like to befriend the clinically depressed or any of my
other mental health issues. I'm still told to "Awe Jo just think
this" or "just think that". If it was that fucking easy there
would be no mental health field. Next time you run into someone
with an other disease and ask them those questions I bet they don't like
hearing from you to "Just get over it". Ever since Ms. Therapist
opened her big mouth everything has been compounded. Never tell
someone you like them and in the next breath say how it is not going to
happen. THAT is just plain MEAN. See, Ms. Therapist, is the
furthest away from mean you can get. It's that, that makes it so
confusing. Then there is why me? What did I ever do to you
that made you act this way. Being the person who I am I "own" ALL
of it, every word spoken, every action taken. I have never
felt so miserable. Suicide would be too easy. My punishment
is living this nightmare. If by some freak chance we did meet I
was told we would have to meet in another town so no one would know.
I was more than willing to comply. What fuck does that say about
me. My hurt isn't just from being a client. I've been hurt
as a woman and a individual. Honestly I will never be the same.
Ms. therapist I looked right at you (not normal for me) and I said "you
could squish me like a bug". You didn't say no Jo I could never or
no Jo I would never you simply said "I know". Then you stepped the
fuck all over me. You ruined me. I swing back and forth from
this anger and guilt I relive this everyday. The one that grinds
at me is I told, and I said I would never tell. I no longer have
my own word left. I used to at least have that to hold onto.
Ms. Therapist I sold my truck to the junkman last month. You knew
what that means to me. Well I don't process ANYTHING in my therapy
but you. I don't even know where my trucks fits on the I'm screwed
up scale. I didn't want to yell and scream at you, I didn't want
to call you names. I just wanted you to hear me. I feel
foolish and ashamed. Oh yeah, let me throw in the guilt thing
again. You couldn't contain in your voice HOW exited you were
about going to your new job. I hear that voice and see THAT face
everyday. I'm so fucking far from okay. There is more but I
just can't do this anymore today.
Time flies when your fucking miserable. It's
just about 9, yes, 9 months since I heard, "Do you want me to really
blow you away". My life is still trash. I blew off therapy
one week. I am ONLY allowed to have therapy once per week, as that
is all my diagnosis calls for. Still not sure why the prior 14
months it was okay that I had therapy twice a week. No one has an
answer for me on that question. A couple of months ago it came to
my attention that members of my treatment team felt it was best I remain
at the mental health center and NOT move my treatment with Ms.
Therapist. If I could describe to you all the look on my old case
managers face and my new therapists face when I told them the "offer"
Ms. Therapist presented me with 9 months ago. The offer was this:
even though I would no longer have a case manager, she would help me
with paperwork, even though I wouldn't have my case manager to
meet out in the community with weekly, she would provide me with her
pager number so I could contact her on Saturdays. Saturdays are my
"bad day". Then she knew I didn't really get along well with the
Dr. I would have had to see, she was going to get me a different
provider. I had to go home already upset about losing my
therapist, I had to admit what feels like to defeat to me, that I knew
I needed to stay and could not continue to work with her. It was
unfair to start with, even more unfair to find out treatment team was
SURPRISED by your offer. What a selfish BITCH. So, after all
that Ms. Therapist still had to open her fucking big mouth and use the
words, "fantasies", "care" and "feelings". WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ???
I must wear a big sign that says, "I already feel like a big piece of
shit, feel free to kick me or fuck with my head." We still aren't
ready to delve into the, "yes I still like this person" issue.
Boy, that should make for a few interesting therapy appointments.
I did have one okay week. I managed to get a tax return and that
equaled "Therapy Shopping", just one of the criteria I present for
Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, like everything else, that
doesn't work well anymore either. I have really wanted to drink
again but that doesn't work either. Thank god cutting still works
or I'd be, as I like to say, FUCKED! Of course new therapist sees
my not wanting to say how much I DO still obsess as strength.
WHATEVER. ALL I wanted was 50 fucking minutes of my life to NOT
think about Ms. Therapist and I still couldn't get through the
whole session without saying her name. It is difficult to not just
use her name here. I do want to shout your name out too. So,
this is a good time for you to pause a minute and say to yourself, "it's
a good thing Jo still likes me and has feelings for me". Isn't
life grand to have feelings for someone the whole universe tells you it
is wrong and will never happen. I had these feelings "safely"
tucked away. Nope, you had to open that can of worms. Best
off you left this HUGE mess behind for all your ex co-workers to fix!
Nothing feels better to care for someone and they use you. Feel
free to interject as much sarcasm as you can muster. Devastated
doesn't even begin to describe where I am at. My Nurse
Practitioner doesn't like to give out meds, I like this about her.
For awhile it really felt like she was feeding me Seroquel like they
were fucking M&Ms. I do NOT like Seroquel. I'm more angry
than I have ever been. I've been angry my whole life, no news
flash there. What the FUCK made you think this was even remotely
okay? See, what I need now are anti-angry pills! They don't
make anti-angry pills! I seriously hope you don't think your
apology over the phone was enough. You should have the decency to
look me in the face and say it! Of, course now I'm told to be
lucky I got that and that was better than nothing. I will NOT
SETTLE. I have settled my whole life. Suck it up Jo.
Be better than that Jo. Act like the oldest Jo. Stop being a
selfish brat. Yesterday was Saturday and I did what I do almost
every Saturday. I laid in bed and I cried all fucking day long.
God I even told you, that you helped me see a little of me again.
All I see is a very tired and very angry waste. Nothing pisses me
off more when a doctor tells me I'm angry. No fucking shit! Guess
what now, I'm even more angry. I want you to tell me why. I
do know now you had NO intention of ever seeing me. So, WHY?
Did you make yourself feel better? I want Laurie my old therapist
back. At least when she dumped my ass as her client she was honest
and looked me in the face and said she couldn't provide me with the care
I needed. I wish I could say I was an empty shell. I'm not
empty, I am filled with hurt and anger. I don't want to ever
"feel" anything for anyone ever. The only place I am safe is home
alone. I have to prep myself to act okay whenever I step outside.
I only exist. I know people think this is some "productive" way to
"process". How will this ever get better? This permeates me
to the core. I am nothing. I mean really , think about it,
if your own therapist is going to kick you when your down who else will
do it. I'm safe from no one. I mean could anyone ever really
believe I could trust someone again. I thought you really cared.
Played the fool again. Seriously when your treatment team starts
cheering you on with some shopping therapy , instead of calling it what
it is, another fruitless attempt to hide the pain. I try so hard
to figure out what it is that I did wrong. None of this is like
you. My old case manager would tell me, "No one saw this coming".
I just want you to help me understand, cause no one can. What an
idiot I am. Now I'm going to do what works and then lay in bed and
try to figure this all out.
Another 2 weeks have passed and no new surprise
that nothing groundbreaking has occurred on this topic. I have
decided to give Ms. Therapist a name. Now I won't tell you if it
is real or not. Of course the people that do know will know the
truth. So I am going to name you "X". Nice and
easy. I guess I will start out by saying to whoever reads
this; no one knows "everything" that was said, not yet anyway.
Not even the investigators. Yes, there was this nice little
internal investigation at my mental health center and I wasn't even
spared from it. They did trick me into talking. I wasn't
even told there was an "investigation" till it was essentially over.
I had been demanding to know why I had not been given a replacement
therapist. Then when bitching to my old case manager she said they
would like me to talk to so and so. I reluctantly agreed. It
was Friday and off I was sent to meet the 2 people investigating.
I was quite pissed off and even went in defending X and saying this
was all bull shit give me a therapist. I did a VERY high level
overview as to what had transpired. Then came the shocker not the
very first part, but let me continue. There were some
"discrepancies" between our stories. I was told of 1 specific
difference and that was X denied ever telling her supervisor. A
little background info; During one of the last sessions X and I
had I looked her dead in the face and asked her "Who else knows about
this?" her reply; "I told my thera" a pause " I told my supervisor."
That some how made this whole little thing ok. So my immediate
reaction to the investigators was; " She's a lying whore!" I had
blown a head gasket on that. Never took you to be a LIAR!
Needless to say I was told I could spend the weekend in the hospital.
Fuck that shit! I said NO. I had already been hospitalized
twice for a total of 5 days since this occurred. Then I was given an
emergency appointment with my nurse practitioner, whom I found out
stayed an hour after, on her day she normally leaves early, to meet with
me. I left the investigators got into my truck and proceeded to
hyperventilate I was so angry. Of course I cut that following
weekend and then I detailed "almost" ever little detail of my last few
meetings with X. I have refrained from posting that 11 page
document on the internet. When I met with my old case manager
Tuesday I was still very angry and that is when I divulged to her that
X asked me "what was it that I found attractive" about her. Oh
my god, the look on her face
was one I will never forget. She was never reactionary to anything
I have said before. Well, she sent me right back to talk to the
investigators. I spent 2 hours telling them most everything that
had happened. Then after I spill my guts is when they decided to
tell me you had ALREADY been FIRED! I have never felt like such an
asshole in my whole life. A few days earlier I was defending you,
I must have looked so foolish and not knowing. I still feel very
used by the investigators. There was no need for me to have had to
go through ANY OF IT! That's when I knew X would never speak to
me again. This bitch lies stone cold to my face and I'm upset she
won't like me. Get ready for some sarcasm; I am the supreme
leader of self esteem! This is some of why I am so angry, why I
had extra medication, why I still barely sleep, why I spend countless
hours crying and I'm upset X won't talk to me. It's like I'm
standing in line jumping up and down and screaming PLEASE ABUSE ME SOME
MORE! More than anything I HATE being lied to. I want to
know why you had to lie. I mean what is it that I said or did to
get this shit? 14 months of therapy shot to hell. Plus 2
more months with no therapist. All one giant waste. I trust
no one now. NO ONE! I don't tell anyone anything the world
doesn't already know. I'm a giant fool who doesn't sleep and feels
worthless. Well I have some worth, I am everyone's kicking post.
No one wants to spend any length of time with "the cutter" anyhow.
So, WHY would I think X would want to spend time with me? I
doubt very seriously that she had any intention of seeing me even if I
kept my big mouth shut. The more I think about it the more
pathetic I am. I now cut my right arm. I pretty much had to
retire my left forearm. My arm used to bulge because I was in
shape now its a lump of scar tissue. I was saving my right forearm
for a tattoo. Not anymore. No part of me is safe from me and
my razor. It doesn't matter to me anymore how I look. I only
hide it when I might be near children. I'm all used up now.
I will never be with anyone ever again. You can own that X.
It's yours. I was already on the edge. You held out your
hand to me and when I finally trusted you to reach back, all you did was
shove me over. I won't cut tonight. My week old wound was
one of my worst. I'll just do what I do everyday, smoke too much
and try to make sense of this. I just spin in circles.
Listening to my music today, I found some lyrics to
describe where I was in my therapy and as a person and where I feel like it was left.
Rascal Flatts - "What Hurts The Most"
Part of the chorus:
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
* It's not the abandonment shit, it's
about the trust to speak and have it destroyed. When I hear this
song it is not about when I was first told that therapy was over and it
wasn't the last session. It was after meeting outside of therapy
and watching her drive away. Part of me knew then, we would never
Select "Play" to hear full song.
If you don't hear anything please wait a moment for the song to
download. If your on dial up this may take a minute or two.
My apologies to those users of browsers other than Internet Explorer.
The song plays on page load for you. I don't like that and will research
a way to correct it.
Itís the 17th
and I have really wanted to post another entry but (a) I just embedded a
song on the 16th and (b) I had made a long entry on the 11th.
I met with my therapist this am and she had mentioned my last April
entry was ďwell writtenĒ and I seemed to get out a lot. I told her I
didnít and that Iím no better off than I was since this all blew up. I
exhausted myself from fighting off the urge to drink on the 16th.
I told her I was serious about wanting to review Xís notes but this time
I wanted to look over ALL of them not just the last few I had already
read. Her notes SUCK and I donít mean it from an angry place; I mean it
from reading it in a supposed professional view. The concern is that if
I bring home 14 months worth of notes to read it may torment me more
than I already am. I am confident that nothing can torment me any more
than I already am. I really do NOT want to waste my 50 minutes a week
reading though. I really want the entire 2 years worth of everyoneís
notes. Iím in NO mood to be fucked with anymore. ENOUGH! I vacillate
between doubting X knows this web page exists or she canít stop herself
from reading it. I do know with no doubt that is she does know its here
she is reading. Time for a history lessen as I like to recall these
little tidbits to people who havenít heard this before. When I last met
her I gave her a heads up this got out of control and supervisors were
being told. She had the FUCKING stance that she ďstands by what she
didĒ. I couldnít believe that she was going to make a stand like that.
I knew this was going to get uglier and quickly. So, miss ďstand by
what you didĒ why the FUCK didnít you document any of it. What you did
do is use my own words out of context for your own fucking notes. I
even said ďyou can get fired for thisĒ. I doubt Iíll ever understand
why I was so shocked when I found out she was fired. I knew I fucked up
the second I said anything. I fucked up BADLY! I own that. I have
never felt like I betrayed anyone anymore than I did when I did that. I
even said in my last entry she can own me never being in a relationship
with anyone. She doesnít own that either itís mine to own. Couldnít
write anymore and the next day I cut pretty badly again. Itís Saturday
and just like all before, I lay in bed and cried. I just reread all of
this and no matter what everyone says no matter how much I try to
pretend I donít own any of this, I OWN IT ALL. I had to have done
something to initiate this. I know I initiated it all. X would tell me
I was ďcharmingĒ. There is something I can be proud of; I charmed my
therapist right out of a job. That will look good on a resume. Oh wait
there wonít be anymore resumes because Iím all done with the real
world. An old friend emailed me the other day and said to ďhold my head
upĒ, what the hell does THAT mean. My new therapist says X had loving
feelings for me. Great someone tells you that they care about you and
has feelings for you and realizes they fucked up and then takes it all
back and takes off running the other way. Oh yeah that makes me feel
really good. Please note complete sarcasm. So, when people say I can
enter into trusting and loving relationships again all I have to say is
YOU do it I QUIT. Why on earth would I EVER want to expose myself to
this kind of pain again? Along with the embarrassment shame and guilt,
no thank you. I just want X to talk to me and explain why? Why am I so
horrible? Fine I was charming but at no point can I remember being
hurtful or mean. Why am I not even worthy of an explanation? Xís sorry
alone doesnít cut it. With no explanation no way to understand it, just
makes it worse. So letís see, yes I care, I made a mistake, oops sorry,
got to go. How the fuck am I supposed to ever be ok with that? So many
people know about this. Iím sure their imaginations just run wild as to
what the ďfantasiesĒ are about. The people that now know so much more
about me and I donít even know who they are. As for telling the whole
world via this web site, thatís different, if just one therapist reads
this and it keeps them from opening their big mouth or if just some
other client can relate and not feel so alone with their feelings of
shame then itís worth it. It already feels to me like the world knows
anyhow. I canít be any more worthless or foolish than I am now. Aside
from throwing in a new little tidbit of enlightenment all I do is repeat
myself. Seriously hour by hour, day after day, week after endless week
I relive this searching for some sort of answers. X if you would just
call me and help explain some of the whys.
Itís been another
shit week and half and I am exhausted. My Nurse Practitioner put
me back on Seroquel for the third time since this nightmare began.
It's given me the couple more hours sleep I desperately need. Each
day I lose more interest in the few things left I enjoy. I'm sure
X hasn't skipped a beat in her life. So, what will this week's
little tidbit / history lesson be? How about our playful banter.
I'm not sure when or how it started but I would say "It's about you" and
she would say "No, It's about you", back and forth we would go a few
rounds of this. I used to enjoy it, it lightened therapy up and
had a tone of being silly. I used to be able to be silly. I
have nothing left of me to be silly about. Was this just playful
banter though? Like I said I have been searching mind thinking
through 14 months of therapy with X looking for when things changed.
I'm starting to believe it changed right from the word go. When X
last called to apologize she managed to toss in "It's about you now".
No FUCKING shit it's about me. It had been about X the last couple
weeks we met, there is no doubt about that. I joined an online
support forum for people that have been exploited by professionals.
The other day DBT came up and that when
you drop out of group you lose your therapist. Interestingly
enough when I dropped out of group X remained my therapist. I just
thought that this rule wasn't followed. This then reminded me when
my old case manager asked me once who was my DBT therapist before X.
She was VERY surprised to hear I had only seen X and she said that where
I go for therapy adheres to the DBT rule of no group then new therapist.
Of course now it's just another fucking question I have about my therapy
with X. It's still pending on whether or not I will be given all
my therapy notes. I need those notes. If I'm not given them
then I will have to spend my therapy time reading them instead of being
able to read them at home. I will be comparing them to my
journal. Some notes so far have had my own words taken completely
out of context. The last few sessions I understand why that was,
it's because X had to cover her ass. I have even read a few weeks
prior to that and X's notes were bull shit. I used to think X was
"the therapist", the one who I would finally be safe with to work
through the nightmares of my life. Now X is just another
nightmare, but this one hurts more than so many. X has triggered
every sexual assault of my past. She did just like the past
perpetrator, she lied made me feel "special", we would meet in secret,
if I was good we could continue to meet I'm sure. How can I ever
believe someone if they ever say they "care" about me and have "real
feelings". How was I so blind to this. Everyday is a
flashback. I don't even have the energy for my rage. I'm too
tired and beat up. I'm losing the fight in me. My new desk should
be here in the next couple of days and I am not even excited anymore.
My ex even expressed she was wondering what kind of "mess" I would leave
her with when I die. That's fucking sweet. I did get her to
agree to take Weebles. In 2 weeks my kid is getting married and in 2
weeks I will have my happy face on and my shit together. I won't
ruin her day. After I process all her wedding pictures it's just a crap
Before I start, I
just want to say that I would guess 90% of me believes that X is reading
this. My current therapist suspects the same. So each week I wonder why
and each week we speculate why she doesnít respond. I am NOT going to
sue X. I will admit I consulted with my lawyer and the bottom line is if
I want to sue X I have to sue my mental health center. They did
nothing wrong and people that know me know I have very strong
feelings on right and wrong and I wonít sue them. I then wonder if X is
too afraid to own up to her own bull shit. X needs to own her issues
with counter transference. Even stating that, I feel like I own it, that
I did something to precipitate these actions.
I am SO fucking
angry I am calm. Thursday I received 18 months worth of my prior
clinical notes. To tell you the truth I am not even sure where to start
describing what I found. I guess I will start by saying my 1st
case manager had the absolute WORST notes, Iím not surprised. Now Xís
notes started out accurate but then they changed. Itís subtle but it is
when I thought things had changed between us. Before and after this
change some of her notes are complete crap. Iím going to assume
that she stated we did far more DBT after I dropped group so she could
stay my therapist. Case manager #2, she had the best notes and Iím not
surprised at all. Therapist #2, who I only saw a few times even failed
to document some very important facts. My nurse and nurse practitioner I
can feel safe knowing they provide accurate notes. I also read of few
of therapistís #3 notes, my current T, and I can have some trust in her.
I didnít get any notes from case manager # 3 but Iím not worried about
her notes. Iím only left to surmise that the last couple of weeks of Xís
notes were purely to protect herself and had little to do with my care.
Reading those notes feels like another slap in the face. Like I have
said before never in a million years would I take X to be a liar or one
to so blatantly ďbendĒ the truth. It all just makes me toss a few more
of those ďwhyĒ questions onto the pile. It troubles me to know that X
can go about her life and enjoy things she is passionate about. I am so
stuck I canít see a way out except getting answers to my questions.
Answers I keep getting told I wonít ever get. Iíll just crawl back into
I surrender. I
tried calling X one last time and was told by her pit bull of a roommate
under no terms would there be contact between X and I. So, I admit
defeat and resign to the fact that I will never know ďwhyĒ she did what
she did, get the answers to my questions or get an apology in person. I
will settle for the apology I did get and consider myself lucky with
that. Itís been a very long 11 months and I have gotten nowhere but
backwards. Next weekend Iíll turn 42 and need to grow up and accept
this as yet another fucked up thing that life has had to offer me. I
spent the other day reviewing the highlights of my life and it wasnít
pretty. Yet I shouldnít complain I have always had a roof over my head,
food to eat, clothes and shoes and a decent education. I have been
given so many opportunities to advance and I have failed every time. I
have been depressed on and off my whole life but I have never felt as
miserable as I feel today. The last week I have survived on chocolate
milk, coffee and a few peanut butter crackers. Itís ok I just saw a
picture of myself and like a walrus I can survive on my fat reserves. I
also saw in that picture a look at my right arm. I didnít cover it on
the day of my daughters wedding because I didnít think it looked so
bad. Again I was wrong, itís only one scar but it is horrendous. My 4
year old grandson asked gramma what happened and I lied and said gramma
fell. He then asked if I cried and I said yes. That interaction
cinched for me that I will never be with anyone again. First off after
X I will never put myself ďout thereĒ to be hurt again and then I could
never expect anyone to understand what I do to myself. Even if I do
stop I could never think anyone would accept how severely and
permanently I have scarred myself. Seriously the last 8 months living
alone has really been ok. I was afraid I could never do it now Iím
afraid to be with anyone. The holidays really werenít that bad.
Valentines Day is just plain stupid, and on my birthday my ex wife will
call and sing Happy Birthday and it will all be over. Iíve come full
circle. I started my life out in low income apartment struggling with a
physical disability and now just shy of 42 I am in a low income
apartment struggling with my mental disability. I remember 1 night when
I was about 5 or 6 and it was night and I was just staring out the
window and I felt very disconnected to the outside. I caught myself the
other night doing and feeling exactly the same as I did that night so
long ago. My case manager keeps telling me ďYou were Jo before all
thisĒ. I have no idea anymore who or where I was. Last time I saw X I
thanked her for helping me ďsee meĒ again and now today I know that was
all a lie and mirage.
Well itís 2 years
and where do I sit with all this?
I sit in HELL!
With all the
sarcasm I can muster I say; thank you Kim for the shit you turned my
All those years of
therapy learning how to trust the people I work with and in just a few
moments you blew it all to hell. I trusted you too much; I believed you
had my best interest first. That wasnít the truth. You only cared about
Kimberly G. is her name.
She has been rebuilding her career with
Genesis Behavioral Health which is located in Laconia NH (603)
524-1100 and Plymouth NH (603) 536-1118.
There is NO way possible that she used
Riverbend Community Mental Health as a reference to obtain her
current job. Thatís 7 years of unexplained practical work experience
Riverbend is still working with me diligently on recovering from Kimís
I have lost so
much of my life that I can no longer quantify it. Kim has no right
working with anyone in any capacity. Like all predators she will seek
and find new prey. I took an intentional overdose over this and was
lucky to survive what if the next victim isnít so fortunate. Kim you are
truly the biggest asshole I have ever met. Just to be clear anytime I
had to speak to Emergency Services from Riverbend I made sure they know
what you did! When one of your former coworkers looked at me in shock I
just said ďAsk Dr. MurrayĒ. Kim youíre not very popular at Riverbend