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~ Writings ~

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Writings

 

Be warned what you read below may trigger, upset or alarm you. 
It's from a dark place and has been discussed in therapy already.

50 Minutes

Just in that time her voice had changed
Jumped from her chair
A women before that was always encaged

She stared back at me
An answer she sought
Did I feel the same was it also my thought

In 50 minutes it all came undone
Forever the change became what I sung

At first was a relief
Followed with care
A secret unveiled
To not speak do I dare

I choked up those words
My head had swelled
Ever since those words I live in hell

The silence engulfed me
One filled with shame
I hang my head low being only me to blame

In 50 minutes a trust
A trust deeply shattered
A truth I now see
I never really mattered

I will never share again
A feeling from within
One lone tears falls
Then the rainfall sets in

~ JoAnne

I cut itís my fault
Iím wrong again

Stuck

I see my Razor

A commitment
I canít keep

So thin

Fragile 

My blade

My soul

~ JoAnne

Undeserving
Withered soul
Darkness everywhere

You want me
Better
Never good enough

I ache for your
Acceptance
Love

Help

~ JoAnne

Iím stuck in the land of make believe.
That fucked up place I have been for so long.
I need to not be sick anymore.
To get over it.
Just get over it.
Suck it up and stop acting like a child.
All I do is frustrate.
Just get over it.
I am tired.
A song everyone is tired of hearing.
A song sung for so long.
A song I can barely hold onto.
I need to bleed.
I need to free this mess.
I need to go to the sea free the ashes I carry.
Salt water to heal the wounds.
No one knows, they see the smile, hold it all back like a damn.
Just get over it.
Be at the shore, be free.

~ JoAnne

I lay awake
A cold fills my chest and head
My head already filled
From years of many storms
Washing upon the depth within

I ache to close my eyes and sleep
Instead my mind jumps to see me

Somewhere else, but me, the barrel of a shiny fire arm poised to end this pain.  My freedom to bare arms, I donít think this is what they mean.

I first shift the cold steel up more.  I would hate to just shoot out the back of my neck, to only end up a maimed and crippled waste.  Repositioning the pistol I think that is a better angle. 

Then my thoughts ask me, daring me, to pull the trigger.
I do
Nothing

I go to pull the trigger again and
Waken from this vision.

~ JoAnne

A deviant of society
The suffering I withhold

The darkness lays in me
Many secrets I hold so tight
The fear of telling
Comes the rejection
The sting I can no longer bare

Itís pity I hold to
The darkness you say I wear
You say I seek attention

If you took the time to hear me
To look inside
You will run from me I fear
More pain I could not heal

I used to have a great wall
No one could ever see
Brick by brick I built it
For itís you I need to please

My pain you see is trivial
But I know you fear the truth

As my bricks fall around me
I panic to put them up

The pain you want me to bury
Because it is me you can not stand

~ JoAnne

Cool breezes through the leaves
The months of darkness have become
I lay wrapped in my pain

Every move has had thought
Self doubt all along the way

The suffering and anguish
Has filled me for so long
How will I make it through another night

My pills are always ready
To take me away from this all

My razor keeps me going
The shine of the steel
It  keeps another day going

Another night soon approaches

Which do I choose

A slow release by my razor
Or a final end with my pills

~ JoAnne

The sins that have been bestowed upon me
The shame rides through my blood
Every move I make hurts
The mangled mess I have become

 

~ JoAnne

The core of me
The pain
My soul lost
Flowing through my body
Crimson rivers of shame
A secret to hide

The slide of the razor
The slow parting of the skin
Past sins to be released
The pain deep within

The tears of pain
Can never equate the same

The tide
The release
Coursing from my veins

~ JoAnne

 

 

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